it was intense. it was what i thought it would be.

like you, i was really surprised by how sexual it was. there was a vase of lilies on my desk. they were fully in bloom. you know how sexual flowers can look. these had nectar running down them. i felt like i was in amongst the flowers, in amongst the pink, the pollen. i could perceive their presence, feel their scent. after, i kinda felt id somehow emotionally made love to them (and i never use that phrase lol).

i was hit strongly by how much beauty there is in the world. i was hit too by the enormous *responsibility* of being human – to perceive beauty and to love and show humility. this responsibility and these things made me start crying tears of joy but also scared me.

i felt like i was not alone. i was surprised by how much i thought and felt about my friends and family. i felt myself travel along the spirit of everyone i know, like flying along the keys of a piano. i felt very connected to you at this point (that’s when i messaged). i felt like my perception of my friends‚ love and connection to me was made real and *right there*. i freaked a little when i remembered‚ this was just‚ a perception. the power, but also isolation, of internal dialogue shocked me.

my concepts of where i begin and the world/others end became very unclear. i kept experiencing a double feeling – wonder at being part of perception but somehow also feeling trapped in that? i felt aware that the experience was both revealing my beliefs to me but also potentially showing me nothing beyond that. could i ever leave my lens? cartesian stuff, i guess.

i was pretty ok at keeping myself distracted. i looked out of the big windows and balcony (thank god for them). the clouds rolled and rolled in deep, divine patterns. nature was very soothing and holistic. i was aware of my connection to the wider universe and felt my movement through space. when i looked deep into the rolling clouds i again felt a weird duality and it struck me (i think this was my peak) that this duality was behind everything: everything was simultaneously all and nothing, profound and meaningless, possible and futile, true and false, born and ending in the same second, rolling, rolling, rolling. again i felt both universally connected and locked into my own perspective and this continued to cause me conflict. but the clouds reflected duality and all perceptions reflected duality, so i let go and trusted it.

life on earth felt like a series of patterns that we move into and I felt more ok with that than i have in the past. but i still saw injustice, and therefore cause. it’s not like some opiate of the masses chat, which always seems like a danger e.g. with the whole positive thinking trip/trope/thing.

i guess this all sounds pretty hippyish! it was a very spiritual experience for me but also one that was already within me somehow, which i guess is the point. you know?


chloe zeegen




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